On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
