i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
