dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
