Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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