I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
