Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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