I can text with my tongue
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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