remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
