is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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