Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
