her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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