does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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