Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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