I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
