There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
