Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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