you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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