I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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