The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
