my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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