Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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