i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
