She's JV to your varsity
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
