I heard we made out
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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