apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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