Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
