hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
