so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
