can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
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