he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
