Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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