a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
