Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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