hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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