I accidentally burped into my bong.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
