I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
