Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
