Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
