Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
