Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
