Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
