i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
