oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
