I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
