I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think I sprained my soul last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
