Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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