Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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