Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
