got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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