where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
