Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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