my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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